Epiphany moment

Enough said.

Current thoughts.

Every day, I see myself disliking certain things more and more. I see myself slipping back into old habits, comfortable and recognizable behaviors. I see myself pulling away from you, away from the thoughts and conversations that make me angry and make me want to scream.

What defines a friendship? Do you have to know the person a certain amount of time? Do you have to have a certain number of conversations that last a certain period of time to be their friend? Or do you just have to play along and hide like a coward, waiting for them to initiate any sort of contact? Well, I'm sorry, that's where we become completely different people. There's a lot you don't know about me, mainly because you have had absolutely no interest to ask about me. It's not your fault, that's just your personality, but it's not an excuse. We're all adults here, and I'm not going to sit back and watch as people I want to get to know are being taken away from me, or are waiting for something I can't give them. I'm not the most interesting person on the face of the planet, but I am certainly more interesting than the trash people tend to surround themselves with. One day, you'll realize how different we are, and how much like me you'd be better off being from here on out.

Our conversations don't even feel like that anymore, they feel like words being endlessly typed through a screen with no meaning, no feeling, just endless words and sentences and paragraphs that mean absolutely nothing anymore. Maybe they used to mean something, a long time ago, but as we've aged and moved farther apart in our lives, the words start to numb and become meaningless. I don't know how much meaning you intend to put behind your words, but mine have more than enough for the both of us, and I think you feel that, so you sit back and talk like there's no reason to try. That's not fair to me, I shouldn't be the one putting all the effort into this. What happened to this? What happened to our conversations, our endless talks, our hours of connection and communication? You pushed me aside for nothing. I am trying to understand what happended and I don't know if I ever will. It's not fair that I can't even go up to you and simply ask "Why?" It's not fair that I'm not given any chance to get a straight answer.

I don't want to dwell on the bullshit. I want to be able to move on and become the person I deserve to be. I deserve better than this, coward.

Momentary Lapse in Judgement

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I won't go into too much gory detail, of course.

I'm trying to figure out who I am, what I want, who I want around me. These are all things I am having some trouble determining at this point in time. I'm still young, so I feel I have time to make mistakes and take chances. I have time to recover from not exactly knowing what to do with myself.

I'm trying to figure out what words describe me and what exactly I am feeling right now. I can't seem to come up with the right set of words to form a sentence or two about what exactly has happened and how I feel about what has happened. At first, it seemed nice and, of course, I enjoyed the time. The next morning, I was a little confused and clingy, you could say. By the second day, I was completely over it and wondering what exactly made me act the way I did. I'm not sure what came over me, but I definitely think I could describe it as a momentary lapse in judgement, to say the least. I am definitely not looking for something like that to happen again, at least not how it did. Re-reading that last paragraph, what I am describing definitely sounds way worse, and dirtier, than it is.

It's hard to converse with people who are stuck in text mode at all times, especially when they have a hard enough time communicating in person without blending their words into a knot. I'm hoping for and seeking something a little bit more age appropriate.

The time will come.

Closer to Chef-dom

Today was orientation. I cannot wait to get in the kitchen and cook. I'm nervous as hell, but I'm really happy that I'm finally getting the chance to do something I love and enjoy. I'm hoping I'll enjoy cooking and food as much as I do now, once I've gotten into the kitchen and really start feeling like a chef. I don't know what defines a "chef," or when the moment is that you become a chef, but I do know that I'm closer to being a chef with this job than I ever was before.


Oh goodness, I just can't wait....

Identity Crisis

Is it just me, or does it seem like we can't find ourselves these days? Nothing's original anymore and we walk around pretending to be something that we aren't. You were born a certain way with a certain name and at some point in time, you feel the need, or desire, to change those things. A name is a name, it isn't going to make you any better than you are. And it sure as hell isn't going to get you anymore friends.

Sorry, ranting.

/done.

Thought Process

It’s hard to get out all of the things that I want to say. Things have been changing a lot and I’m not sure how to take much of it.

I finished culinary school and am very excited about that, but now what? It still hasn’t quite hit me how much time I spent there and how much of my life and energy has been focused on school, but I’m sure I’ll realize soon. Just not now.

I have a page open with 3 or 4 different ideas running on it that I can’t seem to find the thought process to finish, or continue. I want to get back into writing, but I haven’t written anything in a very long time. I’ve been so focused on school and finding another job that I haven’t had time to analyze, or even feel, what I’m feeling. I still don’t really know what I’m feeling, about anything, I just want to do something more than what I’m doing right now.

Friendships seem to always hit a snag at some point where you think it’s the end of the world, or you think something in your friendship is going to shift or change forever. I’m not sure that either of these scenarios is true, seeing as I don’t have enough people around me to really test this theory, but I’m sure some of us have hit this point and thought something similar to this. You get to a point where you’ve known someone for so long that the friendship becomes monotonous and predictable. 

I’m hitting that point.

Shopping Wars

What about clothes shopping makes a normal sized girl so self-conscious and off her game? Society has tamed us to think that a size 10 is as big as it gets, and anything past that is disgusting and undesirable. But why? What about being larger makes people cringe and turn away? What about a skinny, boney ass makes a guy, or girl, turn their head and stare? I'm sorry, but I am all for an attractive female, and a boney ass is by far NOT on the list of attractions. But still, people look at a skinny girl and think that she is beautiful, but anything with a real size or curves should not be looked upon.

I shouldn't walk into a store or a mall and automatically feel disgusting because all the skinny girls wanna stare at the fact that I have a shape. It's nothing to be ashamed of, yet we're trained to think it is.

I don't think it's fair that more people in this world look like me, and are my size, yet all the stores sell towards the smaller girls, in shoe and clothing size. There shouldn't be such a stigma toward larger figures when most of the people you see in the REAL world are larger, most a lot larger than myself. I think curves are beautiful and give people more spunk and personality. As a friend once said, "You don't see skinny people associated with being jolly."

I'm trying to rediscover myself...or maybe just discover myself for the first time.

When I decided to to go culinary school over a year ago, I wasn't sure what was driving me then and where my life was going to end up. Once I came across the concept of going into the culinary field, it really seemed like my life was going into a direction I was happy with, somewhere I could see myself every day, for the rest of my working career. Up until that point, I was lost and my life seemed like a joke.

Now that I'm almost done with culinary school, I feel like I have matured more, as a person and in my career, but I also almost feel like my life hasn't changed very much since that first day I walked through those doors at school.

Every new experience is a hard one and it's different for everybody. I didn't expect it to be easy, in any sense, but I didn't think there would be so many moments where I looked back and went "Wow, what have I actually learned and retained from this experience?" I do not regret starting culinary school, and I don't regret my jobs up until this point; school and my work life have taught me very many things and have shown me the kind of person that I am and what I am capable of doing and handling.

I've learned I am so much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for, and I can put up with a lot of crap and hold my tongue, when necessary. The longer this experience goes on, though, and the more of a joke things become for people, the less I want to hold my tongue and the harder it becomes to not explode and speak from my anger.

There are days that I just don't want to deal with any of it and I would prefer to just go back to bed for a couple of hours before I start my day; getting up at 4:30 or 5 o'clock in the morning, every day, is very hard and takes a huge toll on your mind and your body when you do it for so long, but I would prefer it to having a night life. The long hours and days can add up very quickly over time, but I know it's going to be worth it when I look at the shorter length of time other schools' provide for their students.

I will be the one ready when it comes time to do something more.

Oh, and Happy Fourth of July, or Independence Day, to those who celebrate. 

Word of the Day:
suffrage [SUHF - rij] - noun
The right to vote, especially in a political election.

Question of the Day:
What is a malapropism?