Trust yourself

Every time I wake up in the morning and open my eyes to a new day, it really is like starting all over again. I never know what I am going to get, from the people in my life, from my surroundings, from those that I randomly come across throughout the day.

I've always been a little hesitant when it comes to trusting people, even those close to me, just based on past experiences. But the more I become trustworthy of people, the more I realize who I can honestly trust and who is truly fooling me on a daily basis. People think they can say things behind ones back without them finding out, but they find out, one way or another. And I found out. And it really doesn't sit well with me. I have spent so much time putting trust in those that do not deserve it and have been disrespectful to me that I have neglected those around me that deserve my trust.

I have put so much energy into things that don't matter, and people that don't matter, that I have almost forgotten myself in the process. I am not focused on who I am anymore, and I am losing myself more and more. Every day is a new struggle and builds exponentially upon the next.

One thing I have learned through all of this is that you have to start by trusting one person, YOURSELF. If you cannot trust yourself, it becomes hard to make important decisions and move forward positively with your life.

Trust yourself.

Just some thoughts.

I haven't really written in a while, so I thought I would sit down and try to get something out. So, here it goes.

Life has been pretty amazing lately. I met someone who truly makes me happy and has their head on straight, which helps me a lot just in daily life. It's nice to have someone to confide in and just be completely, wholeheartedly honest with. You always watch those romantic movies and think to yourself, "That is so unrealistic, that never happens in real life," and yeah, it might not happen very often in real life, but it does happen. Those things you think no one experiences have actually happened to real people, they have. I have been experiencing things that I never thought I would, things I thought were truly meant for the movies. And it feels amazing, and kind of leaves me at a lose for words. Well, obviously not COMPLETELY at a lose for words, or I wouldn't be talking right now, would I? Anyway, yeah, life has been good and I'm just trying to live it all one day at a time right now, and live in the moment, cause the present is pretty damn good!

Work in Progress.

Space.
Absence of thought.
But also, the presence of thought.
The idea lingering.
Hanging by a thread.
Each word, one by one.
Connects into the next.
Until it all becomes a blur.
A mass of text.
A fog hanging over your head.

Persistent, constant, motion.
Unending. Unnerving.
Never stopping.
Never ceasing to sleep.
Or take a breath.

Work in progress.

Writer's Block, Of Sorts

I feel so uninspired lately. I don’t really know what to say or do, and it’s really throwing me off my game and messing with my head. It’s hard not to get depressed, or into a funk, when you have alone time on your hands. I keep trying to figure out my options and what I can do to help myself and get better, but no one else seems to want to help me in this mission and I keep getting pushed aside or looked at like a fool. I don’t want the wool pulled over my eyes; I’m not an idiot and I will not be made out to be one. I’m just so angry and upset and emotional lately (not necessarily today or this week, but it’s been a long time in the making) so I’m not surprised by this behavior and feeling at all, I just hoped by this point I would have been able to do something to change it, or something would have changed already. But, sadly, everything I thought had changed is actually the exact same as it was before; Same Shit, Different Day, as they say. I don’t know who “they” is/are, but it seems to be an appropriate statement to explain. Yeah....I’m drawing a blank. . .

Epiphany moment

Enough said.

Current thoughts.

Every day, I see myself disliking certain things more and more. I see myself slipping back into old habits, comfortable and recognizable behaviors. I see myself pulling away from you, away from the thoughts and conversations that make me angry and make me want to scream.

What defines a friendship? Do you have to know the person a certain amount of time? Do you have to have a certain number of conversations that last a certain period of time to be their friend? Or do you just have to play along and hide like a coward, waiting for them to initiate any sort of contact? Well, I'm sorry, that's where we become completely different people. There's a lot you don't know about me, mainly because you have had absolutely no interest to ask about me. It's not your fault, that's just your personality, but it's not an excuse. We're all adults here, and I'm not going to sit back and watch as people I want to get to know are being taken away from me, or are waiting for something I can't give them. I'm not the most interesting person on the face of the planet, but I am certainly more interesting than the trash people tend to surround themselves with. One day, you'll realize how different we are, and how much like me you'd be better off being from here on out.

Our conversations don't even feel like that anymore, they feel like words being endlessly typed through a screen with no meaning, no feeling, just endless words and sentences and paragraphs that mean absolutely nothing anymore. Maybe they used to mean something, a long time ago, but as we've aged and moved farther apart in our lives, the words start to numb and become meaningless. I don't know how much meaning you intend to put behind your words, but mine have more than enough for the both of us, and I think you feel that, so you sit back and talk like there's no reason to try. That's not fair to me, I shouldn't be the one putting all the effort into this. What happened to this? What happened to our conversations, our endless talks, our hours of connection and communication? You pushed me aside for nothing. I am trying to understand what happended and I don't know if I ever will. It's not fair that I can't even go up to you and simply ask "Why?" It's not fair that I'm not given any chance to get a straight answer.

I don't want to dwell on the bullshit. I want to be able to move on and become the person I deserve to be. I deserve better than this, coward.

Momentary Lapse in Judgement

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I won't go into too much gory detail, of course.

I'm trying to figure out who I am, what I want, who I want around me. These are all things I am having some trouble determining at this point in time. I'm still young, so I feel I have time to make mistakes and take chances. I have time to recover from not exactly knowing what to do with myself.

I'm trying to figure out what words describe me and what exactly I am feeling right now. I can't seem to come up with the right set of words to form a sentence or two about what exactly has happened and how I feel about what has happened. At first, it seemed nice and, of course, I enjoyed the time. The next morning, I was a little confused and clingy, you could say. By the second day, I was completely over it and wondering what exactly made me act the way I did. I'm not sure what came over me, but I definitely think I could describe it as a momentary lapse in judgement, to say the least. I am definitely not looking for something like that to happen again, at least not how it did. Re-reading that last paragraph, what I am describing definitely sounds way worse, and dirtier, than it is.

It's hard to converse with people who are stuck in text mode at all times, especially when they have a hard enough time communicating in person without blending their words into a knot. I'm hoping for and seeking something a little bit more age appropriate.

The time will come.